By Jeri Baker, CAPP
It was my second day at a new job we had traveled across the country to take. As I walked into a team meeting, one of my colleagues asked, “How do you and your wife like this area?” I was in a panic. Years of hiding my sexuality rushed forward and bristled. How do I play this – was I being “outed” at my new job on my second day?
Growing up in Texas in the 70’s and 80’s, you did anything you could to “hide” if you were in a relationship with someone of the same gender. You used gender-neutral terms to talk about what you did on the weekend. You didn’t call them by name – unless you were lucky enough to be in a relationship with a Pat or a Sam, and then only if you were sure your coworkers would never meet your Sam. My luck had me fall in love with a Diana. It was pretty hard to pretend she was anything other than a female, although some people assumed we were sisters, so I guess that was just another way to hide the truth.
So, instead of sharing with the world that you were in a relationship, you defined your living arrangement as that of a roommate or friend. I’m sure it was apparent to those paying attention, but by not outwardly referring to Diana as a spouse, partner, girlfriend, or significant other, you didn’t have to battle with others. Side note – my dad would introduce us as his daughter and her “special friend.” After Diana and I had been together for more than 10 years, I think he finally just introduced us as his daughters. Baby steps!
I had always been out to my closest friends, but I kept that circle small and generally made up of folks in my same situation. Safety in numbers and like concerns guarded our secret. A lot of folks called those in their circle “family.” Letting outsiders in was dangerous. It wasn’t legal to be in a same-sex relationship; it certainly wasn’t protected, and to all of us in that situation, it felt rather isolated. If someone asked about your girlfriend, you had to spin it, refer to them as your roommate, and try to play off. It was exhausting trying to determine if they were “family-friendly” or not – best to keep your circle small.
Agreeing to take a job in Massachusetts would certainly widen my circle. They had legalized same-sex marriage in 2004, so our plan when we got there was to get married. Weird, we had already been together 14 years, but getting married would give us civil protections. It wasn’t legal yet in Texas, and we would have to file “single” federal income tax for the first couple of years, but Massachusetts treated us as married. Diana and I tied the knot at a lovely gazebo behind a public library four days after arriving in Massachusetts. Two days later, I started my job at UMass.
It was my second day, and as I walked into a team meeting, one of my colleagues asked, “How are you and your wife liking this area?” I was in a momentary panic. Then I remembered that we were in Massachusetts, and we were legally married. We don’t have to hide that anymore. I replied, “We are loving it here.”
Jeri Baker, CAPP, is an Executive Account Manager for T2 Systems. Jeri can be reached at Jeri.Baker@t2systems.com.